Mike Huckabee Brings The Sex

And a longing for the sweet release of death.

If you're the sort of reader who enjoys the comedic Twitter Stylings of Mike Huckabee, you'll be delighted that some guy on Twitter called attention this week to the hilariously funny content on Huckabee's talk show on cable backwater TBN, gilded-toilet home of the Crouches. It's just like reading the failed presidential candidate's Twitter feed for an hour, only with a house band.

Huckabee's show has been around since 2017, but we only watched the current episode thanks to the thread from some socialist calling himself "Endless Bummer," in which we're treated to some prime examples of great bland comedy. So of course we watched a recent full episode of the show for the week of January 12, 2019, although the look and feel is more late-night chat from 1992.

Huckabee kicked off with a touching, sincere monologue about how most Americans are nice people wanting to go good, and isn't it sad too many of us get caught up in politics and partisanship? Then Huck -- please, call him Huck! -- moved to his desk and condemned crazy Democrats for wanting to impeach a duly elected president over nothing. Nobody seemed to notice the instant shift in tone, because why would they? He interviewed Alan Dershowitz, who's flogging a book about how impeachment might actually be illegal . Weirdly, the split-screen parts of the remote interview were framed over a looping video of clouds rolling by, as if Huck and Dershowitz were at 35,000 feet.

OR MAYBE IN HEAVEN.

Huck then interviewed a 9/11 first responder who was very patriotic, and segued into a funny news review about funny news, like a guy whose tattooed confession of all his infidelities not only didn't save his marriage, but also included several misspellings! There was also this amusing piece about a dumb guy who tried to steal a locked bike from in front of a police station, with a video camera recording the whole thing. Talk about comedy!

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Huck followed that with a story about selfie injuries, including a guy who died when he fell into the ocean from a cruise ship. "They got a great shot if the phone is waterproof, I guess." The audience merely chuckled at the man's hilarious death, so Huck repeated the line and emphasized waterproof , and the camera panned over the audience, who finally noticed the "Please Clap" sign.

Then comedian Dennis Swanberg did a few minutes of evangelical standup, or as Huckabee described it, "Sharing his joyous and funny outlook on life and faith." This clip is a pretty good example: He plays off his deep-South accent ("Doily" is a funny word!!) a lot and makes very mild observational jokes about things that probably won't upset anyone much -- haha, millennials don't know cursive! Edgy!

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Swanberg also talked about his experience at Baylor University, which was a culture shock for him since he was raised Methodist and Baylor is a Baptist school:

I'd watched Babtists all my life, and they go to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday night, Wednesday night, you know, prayer, meetin' -- I don't know when they find time to sin, but they do, they're very creative. Babtists are gonna get sin in.

His drawl is a big part of the act -- sounds like he said "Babtists are gonna get CNN." But fortunately, Baptists at Baylor didn't turn out to be really weird and exotic, like maybe they'd all speak in Latinesque plainsong and cross themselves -- a bit he acts out and follows with "I just made some Catholics happy." But naw,

They were normal. They didn't dance much back then. But the girls kissed real good. [grins and gives a  thumbs-up] And I felt led to join up. I'd rather smooch than dance any day, I don't know about y'all. Next thing I knew, they had me in the baptismal pool, the baptismal poool [Like "doily," it's all about exaggerating his drawl here], and they wouldn't let me up until I said "tithe."

It's all about as cutting-edge as the mild jokes of the Babylon Bee:  safe for families and the sort of "good clean fun" that you can repeat in church without anyone getting too upset. Swanberg did some impressions, too, like a passable Bill Clinton: "Pray for Hillary. But do not email her at this time."

On the interview couch, Swanberg pitched his book, which is about about finding joy in everyday life, and gosh, he's probably going to sell a few of those, isn't he?

Huck had a pitch too: You can join him this August for a Baltic Sea cruise , with stops in Estonia, Russia, Finland, Sweden, and Denmark, and if there's anything more depressing than the idea of taking a cruise with Mike Huckabee fans, we don't want to think about it.

Next up, a hard-hitting news segment called "Facts of the Matter," because every bit of this show has segment names that could come from an SNL parody of talk teevee. Huckabee corrects all the liberal bias in the news! OMG, this is hard-hitting stuff, as the initial tweet by "Endless Bummer" points out:

Mike Huckabee's youtube show is—and i cannot possibly overstate this—the least funny thing that has ever existed by… https: //t.co/fvcly95oGC

— Endless 😱 Bummer (@Endless 😱 Bummer) 1547664031.0 

And what "bat-poop crazy" things did the Democrats do? Why, within hours of being sworn in, they "filed articles of impeachment," moved to "abolish the Electoral College," and OMG that Muslin lady said a SWEAR! So horrible and nasty! Also, Pelosi is a madwoman for suggesting she has any claim to power. "You'd think she'd at least know the difference between a president and a representative, having lived through 20 presidential elections. Add that up." Haha, she is SO OLD!

Oh, and then there's Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who is SO YOUNG! Her radical "Green New Deal" will "vastly bloat the government, crush individual freedom, blow trillions of dollars, and remake America into a socialist utopia." And yeah, he followed that with more lies abouthow marginal tax rates work.

Folks, God only demands I give ten percent! Liberals say I only get to KEEP ten percent! I'm just glad they're not God, even if they think they are.

Hey, what does God say about bearing false witness? Huck explained that all those crazy taxes will surely swing Congress to the Rs, and big applause. Funny, seems all those terrible Dems who are bat-poop insane are women. Probably mere coincidence!

The show wrapped up with the culture-war story of Jim Riley, a "living history" farm operator who's being CENSORED by two California school districts. They decided to stop taking kids on field trips to his Revolutionary and Civil War-era reenactment shows merely because he "expressed conservative opinions in his personal time." Oh, the monstrous political correctness and viewpoint discrimination! Huckabee said Riley is now "teaching them a lesson about free speech with a little lawsuit" against the schools, hooray!

And what were Riley's simple expressions of conservative views on social media? Riley said nothing in his educational programs is remotely political or offensive, but he had stirred up the PC left by "expressing NRA opinions and conservative opinions" on his personal Twitter account, and is now being discriminated against for loving America so much. He's not indoctrinating kids at his little farm, so what's the big deal and why are these awful school districts trying to drive him out of business?

Not quite mentioned on the Huckashow: The school officials didn't simply decide a guy had to be punished for his free speech; the schools suspended the field trips because parents complained about the tweets. And how about those tweets! Oh, look, some examples from his now-deleted account, where he offers "satirical" comments on Stormy Daniels, "Black Supremacy," those pussy teens protesting guns (and FREEDOM), and Elizabeth Warren, who thinks she's A INDIAN, woo-woo-woo, hey-ah-hey-ah, HAW HAW WAR PAINT.

You can find more of Riley's amusing, no big deal conservative views in this article about his $11 million lawsuit against the schools. He gripes about "the shrew-cackle of some far left feminists with daddy issues," the need to "Let the teachers teach, by showing the kids how to kill a bad guy," and disparaging dumb liberals as "special needs children who need to be indulged" (always a good look for a guy running an "educational" attraction).

The school districts argue no, their decision to choose different places to take kids on field trips isn't stopping Riley from expressing a damn thing, but they're under no obligation to patronize his business, seeing as how it's a private enterprise, not part of the school system. Doesn't look to us like Riley has much of a First Amendment case, since nothing obliges schools to keep doing business with him. Also, gosh, why didn't Huck read any of Riley's actual tweets to the audience? Bet they'd have HOWLED with approving laughter at the Elizabeth Warren one.

In conclusion, Mike Huckabee's show sucks but now we have a TBN login; hope they don't mind the password includes "666," the end.

[ "Endless Bummer" on Twitter /TBN (account required) / San Jose Mercury News / Claremont Courier ]

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